I want

It's a strange thing when reality comes knocking on your door and you realize real life needs to start.

I was so used to being young.  I guess I still am young, but I'm starting to discover there is more to life than just what I want out of it.  I've had to do a lot of serious thinking about my future.

There are things that I love doing, things I want to be doing, things I should be doing, and things I have no choice about.  Like being a mom, I don't really have much of a choice, I have to take care of Tristan.  He is my number one priory most of the time.  Then there is house work.  I hate doing it day in and day out, but it is kind of expected of me, and is something I should be doing.  Then there is writing.  I love writing, but with every rejection letter and non interest, I feel more and more like I'm wasting my time.  Or singing, something I haven't done in a very long time, and haven't really had much occasion for.

I feel like there are so many things I want, but I have to be satisfied with the things I should want.  Or the things that are wanted for me.  Sometimes I feel like Tristan when he gets put down for bed.  No matter how much he screams, I won't go get him and eventually, he relents and goes to sleep.  I feel like sometimes I just relent because its easier than to keep fighting.  But at the same time, I don't want to settle.

It's like I said about whats-her-name from "Coal Miner's Daughter".  She had a dream......well, her husband had a dream for her actually.  He pushed her until she became famous.  And she loved what she was doing.  I don't want to be mediocre for the rest of my life, I want to be exceptional at something.  But you can only believe yourself so far, it takes other people believing in you too.

I guess I have to just find that thing that sparks a fire in me and go for it.  All my life, people have been telling me what I should do, and I realize, I haven't taken charge of my own life very much.  I've always done things for the benefit of others.  I was a music major because someone paid for me to have voice lessons.  I got a degree in Medical Assisting because Nick wanted me to get a good job while he went to school.  I became a stay-at-home mom because Nick needed me to.  I am meticulous about order in the house because I don't want people to think I am a slob.

I'm just afraid of being a bystander in my own life.  Watching it pass me by while other's make the decisions I should be making.  I guess that's why I want to be an author so badly.  Because even though so many people weren't interested, when that one company is, I can show that I overcame the odds.  That even though it was hard, I still persevered.  That I can be original and intelligent despite what others believe.  And that I'm not just another woman washing the kitchen floor.